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You can't open your e-mail without being blasted with dozens of offers for online Viagra. Loosely regulated and largely uncontrolled, many of these online "pharmacies" will sell anything to anyone. So inspired by ZUG's original Viagra
Prank, I recently tried to order Viagra online for my six-month
old baby.  "Viagra? YAY!" My first step was to find the shadiest online pharmacies, which is harder than it sounds. I wanted to find an online Viagra shop that would sell me drugs unethically, not sell my credit card number to a Ukranian crime ring. I was looking for honest, disreputable pharmacies. I started with online pharmacy sites that just looked bad. That's how I found my first test drugstore, which had a Web site that looked like it was designed by a pharmacist ... ten years ago.  "The 90's called, and they want their Web site back." Most Internet pharmacies use the same stock photo of some guy in a lab coat pretending to be a doctor, so it's refreshing to see one with an old man having a heart attack. I mean, this is the kind of thing a drugstore tries to prevent, right? 
 This Web site operates out of Canada, which is perfect, since you can get everything in Canada, especially venereal disease. Their ordering process was painless in a 1990's e-commerce kind of way, and I only had to fill out a few simple questions for the "Medical Information" section:  I submitted my order, and soon received a confirmation that my order had been processed. Success!  Everything was good, until I got a call the next day from a young female pharmacist who wanted to see the prescription for my "baby Viagra." INTERNET PHARMACY: I'm just informing you that we need a prescription to fill this medication. ZUG.COM: Here's the problem: I don't really have a prescription. IP: Okay. ZUG: So how do we get around that? IP: We cannot send you the medication without a prescription. ZUG: Look, as I wrote in the order, my daughter really needs this medication, and I'm not sure how to go about getting it. IP: Your daughter needs this? ZUG: Yeah, I read it on the Internet. Apparently Viagra is full of vitamins. IP: Oh, well, whoever it's for, we can't ship it without a prescription. ZUG: So if I get a prescription for my infant daughter, you'll ship me the Viagra. IP: Whatever the doctor writes. But it has to be a legal prescription from the doctor. ZUG: Can you define "doctor"? IP: What do you mean? ZUG: For instance, I have a friend, who calls himself Dr. Spinnz. He's a DJ. Could he write me a prescription? IP: No, he has to be an MD. ZUG: Okay, M.D. Spinnz, that's cool. IP: No, he has to be a medical doctor, with professional medical training. ZUG: Does it count if he knows a lot about drugs? IP: No ... no. ZUG: Because this dude is, like, a walking biopharma lab.  "WAAAAHHHHH! ME WANT VIAGRA!" IP: We're an Internet mail-order pharmacy. It says right on the Web site: you need to send in a prescription. ZUG: I thought that was just a thing to make you look legitimate. IP: We are legitimate! We've been in business ten years! ZUG: Right, I can see that from the Web site design. But are you sure this conversation isn't just a cover to make sure I'm not a cop? Is there a secret code word or something I need to say? IP: Sir! No sir. I'm sorry. There's no password. ZUG: Wait a minute -- the password isn't "password," is it? Did you forget to reset it? IP: We don't do illegal business. We're not in China. ZUG: Oh, so I need to go to a Chinese Internet pharmacy. IP: Hold on, sir. [I'm placed on hold for two minutes, during which she consults with an actual pharmacist.] IP: Okay. Even if you got us the prescription for Viagra for your six-month baby, we would not be able to fill it. This is very strong medicine for a six-month baby. ZUG: But she's a strong-willed child! IP: This medication is very, very strong, and you haven't even talked to a doctor. ZUG: Maybe you can give her a 5 mg dose. IP: We cannot do that! ZUG: I can cut them in half. I've got a pill splitter. IP: Sir, I am cancelling your order. This medication is dangerous for your child. ZUG: It's not! I read about it on the Internet! IP: Well, have you spoken with a doctor about this? ZUG: Sure, but she wouldn't give me any Viagra. And who am I going to believe, a doctor or the collective hivemind? IP: A lot of things on the Internet are not true. ZUG: [Angrily] That in itself is not true! Listen: you haven't read much stuff on the Internet, because a lot of it is true. Have you ever read the Wikipedia? IP: Sir, we cannot do this for you, so we're going to cancel the order. ZUG: Okay. I can see that a-d-v-care-dot-com abides by the strictest laws of the United States and Canada, and you're not going to ship me any Viagra for my baby. IP: That's right. ZUG: Also, you're ON THE NET. IP: Yes. Thank you, sir. So my first attempt was unsuccessful, but that still left several million online pharmacies to try next. | |||||||||||||
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